FNS quote of the day
In an article describing a 'happiness mapping' Iphone application;
The problem being that the phone is in the hands of a subspecies of humanity which are the biggest, most ignorant, arrogant tossers on the planet, next to the First 15 Rugby team of any college in New Zealand.
Ah yes, quantifying happiness. The most pointless of all pointless exercises, useful only for 'proving' a point that you've already though of. I might carry out a survey of people eating ice cream in a sunny midland car park and of people waiting for a bus in the rain somewhere in London on a monday to 'prove' that Brummies/motorists/tall people are 'happier' than some other group of people of whom I disapprove. In fact..
FRIDAY NIGHT SMOKE LISTENERS HAPPIER, HEALTHIER*
*than people being kicked repeatedly in the balls
Subsidy
Right, I notice today that yet another Twitter campaign is going among self-congratulatory trendy types to 'save' the BBC from having the indignity of having even a single penny of its multi-billion pound taxpayer funded budget cut. Of course all claim (as with any other public sector 'darling' that faces cuts) that any cut whatsoever would definitely result in the destructive loss of all of the valuable and productive parts of the organisation, as waste and unnecessary bureaucracy don't exist whatsoever. All of the BBC's budget is spent on [insert whichever programme you happen to like here] and the entirety of the NHS budget is spent on hard working nurses. Of course.
I also recall the ongoing discussion of providing rural areas with a 'minimum standard' of internet access (currently mooted at 2Mbps), paid for by charging everybody else more money in some way or another. Not content with buying up all the cottages and becoming arch-NIMBYs to prevent anything useful ever being done in the countryside (like for example, actual farming); smug back-to-the-land organic Guardian-reading types now want me to pay towards their frigging broadband so that they can all sit at home on the evenings and enjoy multi-megabit access to news forums, Wikipedia and the like so that they can further spread their own particular brand of corrosive bullshit.
In light of this, I have come up with a list of things that *I* consider enjoyable and essential to civilised life, that I *demand* that everybody else in the country subsidise for my benefit. To do otherwise would be, I dunno, denialist, or portray an absence of inclusive thought or put the cultural and economic future of the nation at risk, or something like that.
1) Decent sausage and bacon sandwiches.
On certain industrial estates around the west midlands, there is a real problem obtaining a good quality sausage and bacon sandwich; and at the outlets that do sell such foodstuffs often have lengthy queues at lunchtime for some reason. I propose that a tax be levied on tofu, rocket and soy beans for the purpose of funding a new network of butty huts to bring the fortifying goodness of a decent meat sandwich to all corners of the country. The tax should also fund a new government agency to monitor and regulate the quality and price of said sandwiches, and also the queues to obtain them.
2) Internet radio
For too long, the heroes of our independent non-commercial broadcasters have gone unsung and unrewarded. They work tirelessly to bring delightful programmes such as 'The SHAPE of things to come" and "The Friday Night Smoke" to the ears of countless dedicated and grateful listeners. Unsullied by commercial concerns and unencumbered by BBC bureaucracy, internet radio collectively serves millions of listeners every week. It's high time that the stations and DJs who have worked so hard for so long are justly recompensed for their sacrifices.
I propose a £5,000 per head annual tax on every person who has ever posted a '#savebbc6music' hashtag on Twitter. This will enable everyone involved in internet radio to buy a desperately needed new computer, and will also fund an army to protect us on the day that apparently Rupert Murdoch will turn into a giant robot (with machine guns for arms) that will attempt to destroy every media outlet of any kind not directly controlled by him (a Guardian comment warned me that this could happen). It's our only hope. To refuse to support this tax is supporting Murdoch robot murder. Think about that.
3) The late night availability of cigarettes and biscuits in Birmingham
For too long people in this fair city have been unable to obtain reasonably priced cigarettes, biscuits and rolling tobacco within walking distance between midnight and 7am on weekends. This has led to unbelievable anguish and suffering as people have had to let their night-time hunger go unsatisfied, or roll their extra large night-time 'cigarettes' from unsuitably dry tobacco.
To resolve this issue, I propose a £1,000,000 tax on every arsehole with a sense of entitlement who campaigns endlessly for some fucking thing or another that they appreciate to be subsidised to the tune of millions of pounds by some other poor sod (or alternatively everyone). The tax is to be quadrupled for each of those people who claims that their opponents are 'shills' for some shadowy organisation or another.
The money raised by these taxes (some billions of pounds) will fund an elite team of butlers, a fleet of delivery vehicles and a network of warehouses to store, distribute and provide said goods during the designated hours. It's our only hope..
“Leading doctors call for ban on smoking in cars”
From here: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/article7073299.ece
"Twenty of Britain’s most senior doctors call today for a ban on smoking in cars as part of a sweeping expansion of laws to protect children against the effects of inhaling smoke."
"The doctors say that the national strategy must include tobacco price rises, media campaigns, more effective health warnings and better provision of smoking cessation services."
And here's another thing:
"Leading internet radio presenters call for doctors to go fuck themselves"
Whenever such "Doctor's" pronouncements are in the press, they cause me to become quite annoyed and as such my blood pressure rises dangerously. Of course this is rather bad for my health and wellbeing. As such I call for a ban on 'doctors' sticking their frigging noses into affairs that don't and shouldn't concern them.
More and more the attitude of the state appears to be that our bodies are somehow owned by them, much like a mortgaged house is actually owned by the bank, and that action should be taken against anyone who has that audacity to 'abuse' 'their' property.
When did we become the property of the state? Was it when the NHS was founded, or did it come later? Was there a defined event, or was it a slow and creeping process? Answers on a postcard please...
Hi-vis jobsworth patrol
To cut a long story short, it's St Patrick's day today [edit: no it wasn't] , and much of Digbeth is closed off to allow the parade and related festivities to take place, as they have done every year in Birmingham.
Normally we residents of the surrounding area receive information about road closures etc, so we know what is happening and can make plans to accomodate. This year I received precisely fuck all.
Anyway, I had to visit my mother this morning, and returned home about 2:15. Every road in the vicinity of my flat is utterly clogged up with buses, taxis and cars; not helped by the many minicab drivers who attempt to cut the queues and end up blocking what little clear road remains when they try to get back in to the queue.
My flat (and the car park entrance) are within 50 yards of the somewhat generous road closures.
Last year I seem to remember residents being allowed through. Not this year.
A certian hi-vis vest wearing tosser seems to be taking great pleasure in his 'duties' of causing maximum inconvenience to everyone and wielding what little 'power' he has, or at least thinks he has; backed up with lots of authoritative sounding words like 'council' and 'police'. Apparently we're supposed to drive round hideously congested streets for hours, hoping to find a parking space somewhere nearby (clue: there's a festival on; there aren't any) and walk a mile or two home, then back again later to collect the car because he, THE ALL POWERFUL ROAD CLOSURE MAN OF JUSTICE, allows NO-ONE TO PASS!! I should "take it up with the council if I don't like it" (his words).
What I will say is this- fuck you, you utter waste of skin, oxygen and everyting else; you fuckpigs in yellow bibs (inspectors of various types, 'compliance officers' etc etc etc) are the one thing above all wrong with Britain today, and I know it's a terrible cliche but your backs will be first against then wall when the revolution comes. Fuck off and die.
N.b: I'm home now, thanks to a barricade nearby being unmanned and having blown down in the wind. The roads inside the cordon are of course deserted.
Bullshit of the week: “Oil shortages by 2020 due to Western ‘profligacy’”
As seen in The Daily Telegraph: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/financetopics/oilprices/7206410/Oil-shortages-by-2020-due-to-Western-profligacy-says-energy-boss.html
"Drivers need to start treating oil as a scarce commodity and switch to green transport to avoid shortages by 2020, according to the chief executive of Scottish & Southern."
So; we need to stop using oil now, to prevent us from having to stop using oil in the future..
""It's GCSE economics that if production is constrained and demand increases from emerging countries, the price will go up and up and up," Mr Marchant said."
It's also GCSE economics that the price rise itself will curb the rise in demand
"One car in China adds far more value than a second car sitting in the driveway of some house in the UK."
Newsflash: An unused car uses no fuel
"Mr Souter, the transport boss, has proposed more radical solutions than incentives to buy green vehicles. He called for the abolition of the lowest bands of tax that hit those with problems paying their energy bills and the establishment of a tax on carbon emissions. "This would help redistribute wealth and the people using carbon would be paying for it," he added."
So now he wants to increase taxes on energy (increasing the price) to make energy more affordable? Is this the same logic that says we should deal with rising oil prices by artificially inflating the retail price of fuel using fuel duty?
The industry group [the Industry Taskforce on Peak Oil and Energy Security] wants the government to explore electrification of the railways and overhaul the transmission and distribution network.
Does it now? Would this be the 'industry group' that consists of Ian Marchant, head of Scottish and Sourthern Energy; Sir Richard Branson, head of amongst other things Virgin Trains; Brian Souter, the chief executive of Stagecoach, and Philip Dilley, chairman of engineering group Arup? Are they trying to say that rail magnates, electricity companies and civil engineers want government investment in civil engineering projects to benefit railways and electricity companies? Whatever next!
As a forklift dealer and part-time radio DJ I think that the government should invest billions of pounds in buying lots of new forklifts and subsidising internet radio stations, paid for with a new "not using forklifts or listening to internet radio" tax. If they don't do that they are condemning the UK to certain economic and environmental doom.
Something may increase risk of Bad Things
A study published yesterday shows a possible link between Something and Bad Things. Researchers at the Institute of Somewhere found that Something is often associated with Something Else, which shows a correlation with Bad Things.
Bad Things are considered undesireable by most of the population. Death, cancer, obesity, pollution, ugliness and boredom have all been considered Bad Things by many people. Over 80% of the population do Something each year.
Steve Smith, 14, died last year in an incident that can only be described as a Bad Thing. He had recently been doing Something. His mother, Janet Smith, said last week "Our Steve was a loving, popular boy; with his whole future ahead of him. His life was snatched away from him horribly. I had heard of him doing Something, and I tried to tell him to stop. he wouldn't listen.." [Mrs. Smith weeps] "I worry for all the other mothers out there, how many children have to die?"
Bob Fluster, of Action Against Bad Things said "this study is just another in a torrent of evidence against Something. When will people wake up and realise that Something causes Bad Things?"
Many previous studies also show the correlation. A report by SomethingWatch found that over 75% of people who will eventually experience Bad Things have done Something, or been near someone who has done Something.
Jack De'Ladd has a different view. He claimed "everybody does Something at least every day- banning Something could end up with banning everything". A SomethingWatch spokesman said "Jack De'Ladd is proven to financially benefit from industries that produce Something. His wild claims are discredited by every scientist working to prove the danger of Something".
It is estimated that last year 839 million people suffered from Bad Things, including constipation, blindness and not being able to find a seat on the train. MegaCorp PLC made profits of £49 Billion last year from the sale of Something. The Chairman of MegaCorp refused to comment.